DAM and Zivon's Radical Historical Exploits
by DeadAliveManiac
Summary: What happens when a certifiable idiot and a complete prude go back to key events in history to tear it a new one? The result is usually the present being more screwed than Sasha Grey. No event is too dangerous, no group too protected, no invention too safeguarded, and no person can hide well enough to evade these two.
1. France Wins a War!

It was a nice sunny day in a cul-de-sac in the suburbs, children running about the streets and laughing as they enjoyed the nice day. A tall man sat at his window, looking out on the pleasant day through his window with a content smile, his head propped against his arm. He took an involuntary sigh of happiness before the door to his room flew open, a short man running in and making his comrade nearly jump out of his skin. "Zivon, I just thought of something we can do today!"

"Moses, you scared the crap out of me! What's the idea today DAM?" Zivon demanded, his hand clutching his chest and thumping heart.

"Alright, glad to see you're in such a chipper mood, I'll get right to it. I was watching a documentary today on the History Channel on Napoleon, it was 95% bullshit, but it got me to thinking. This man catalyzed a shift to our modern world, he made armies better, and single-handedly made a world superpower. Now, what was it that ended all of that?"

Zivon scratched his chin for a few moments before answering, "Waterloo...Wait, what are you trying to say?"

"What if he never lost that battle, think of how much more advanced today would be!"

"Dude, that's a terrible idea. He's completely insane and his empire was on the verge of falling. You know what history is like, it's one lazy bitch that will send you into the Dark Ages if you step on Abe Lincoln's brain matter."

"Zivon, hear me out, nothing could go wrong..."

"No, stop right there, you always say that and things go horribly wrong."

"Oh you're so full of shit your eyes are brown!"

"You said we should bring back a dinosaur to keep as a pet, that velociraptor killed 400 people and nearly us before we lured it back into the time machine. Or how about when you wanted to have a conversation with Edgar Allen Poe, got bored with him, and gave him LSD to see if it would brighten him up, he mauled dozens of people before we sent them back. Or you wanted to bring back that actress who played Hester Prynne in that miniseries so you could..."

"Hey, you admitted that she was hot and it would have worked if she didn't slip free of the shackles."

"Wait, what?!"

"But trust me this time, absolutely nothing can go wrong, I've read at least six internet forums, nothing could go wrong."

Zivon held his breath in thought before exhaling it in bulk, "Screw it, how do you think we can help him win?"

"Dude, it's America, go buy an AR-15 and seven clips, anymore and they'll get suspicious."

"Of course, your solution to everything. No date to prom, shoot it. Behind on taxes, shoot it. Got a limp dick, shoot it."

DAM flipped him off as he exitted the room, heading for the gun store on foot. After several minutes, he arrived outside the dingy complex, walking and being greated by a large man with a nasty neckbeard. "Hey DAM, good to see you again, what's the mission today?"

"Hey Joey, you look meh as usual. I need to go hunt some coyotes on my grandpa's property. I'll need two of your AR-15's and 14 clips of ammo."

"Wow, must be a lot, are you sure you need all of that for huntings?" Joey asked, looking into DAM's eyes with intense scrutiny.

"Joey, I hate the media and you know I despise so much that I won't even save a burning bus of nuns if it means I end up on CNN."

Joey chuckled at his response and promptly gathered the supplies he requested, placing his clips into a plastic bag and the AR's into two black cases and slid them to his favorite customer. "Alright, your total is $1,095, would you like to use your Going Postal Rewards Card today?"

DAM gave an uneasy smile and tugged on his shirt collar. "Yeah, about that..."

* * *

Zivon was rumbling his way down the stairs to reach the basement, the room dusty and filled with cobwebs, a bright red phonebooth. He threw the door open and stared at a key pad below a Tablet. He grabbed a history encyclopedia, carefully turning through the pages to find the right era and typed onto the keypad and the Tablet, "6/18/1815". Now, all he had to do was wait for DAM, hit enter, and they'd be on their way. He was just about to call DAM when he came crashing through the door to the basement and tumbled down the wooden stairs, cussing the whole way as Zivon stared in bewilderment. "What the actual..."

"No time to explain, go back now, I robbed a gun store!" DAM shouted, getting to his feet and dashing to the Time Machine.

"No, explain yourself." Zivon demanded, crossing his arms and blocking the door.

"Okay, I robbed the gun store because I didn't have enough money and the guy working is chasing me." DAM puffed, bending over to catch his breath.

"Wait, who was on duty? Francis? Trevor? Please, tell me you didn't rob Trevor!"

"Relax, it was Joey..."

Zivon suddenly burst out in hysterical laughter. "You can't be serious, that fat old brony will never get here!"

"Hey, just cause he's fat doesn't mean he has no stamina."

* * *

"Oh...God...I taste blood!" Joey wheezed, resting up against the wall of a building...the gun shop.

* * *

DAM set the cases on the ground, freed the clamps, and handed Zivon his loaded gun before they entered with their ammo, Zivon inquiring, "So, what if we run out of ammo?"

"Let me take care of that." DAM said, cocking his gun as he slammed the door shut and hit enter.

The lights in the basement began to flicker heavily as the Time Machine teatered madly, a blackhole opening before them and sucking them in. They passed through time and space itself, random objects, numbers, and words flying past them. After what seemed like an eternity of passing through an acid trip gone bad, another blackhole opened and spat them out into a green field, large bodies of men moving toward one another in the distance. DAM kicked the door open as Zivon protested, "Will you stop kicking doors open, you're not Tom Cruise!"

"Unlike Tom Cruise, I can actually kick my way out of the closet...Okay, that came out wrong, now you take the right flank and shoot up the Prussians, I'll take the center."

The two men sprinted to the French rear, the Prussians now beginning to slowly descend on their right. Zivon shot his gun at the ranks and only struck a few, but the armies stopped battling and stared at the two men running to them. Zivon continued to empty his clip into several more Prussians as he changed clips, DAM charing through the parting French and reached the front of the British lines, spraying the ranks with bullets as the Coalition forces tried to advance on them.

_10 Minutes and 300 Casualties Later_

The Red coats and Prussians went running from the field, terrified of the rapid-fire muskets these men carried. Zivon looked over to DAM, shouting, "You're an idiot!"

DAM came strolling over to his partner, "Hey, you're fine and the plan worked, didn't it?"

"Yeah, but they almost didn't stop, what would happen if they didn't stop?!"

DAM's face turned to deep thought before he answered, "Well, I never thought of that..."

"WHAT?! If our technology wasn't enough to stop them, we'd be killed!"

DAM opened his mouth to speak before Zivon cut him off, "No, no more talking, we're going back to the present now to see how badly you've screwed us!"

Zivon yanked on DAM's ear and lead him back to their vessel, typing back in their home date and leaving behind a still stunned French army.

Back in the present, Zivon continued to drag DAM by his ear, much to the whines of the latter to stop. Zivon lead him up the stairs before freeing him, DAM instantly recoiling and rubbing his sore ear. Before DAM and Zivon could square off, a doorbell rang throughout their home, Zivon not turning his back to DAM as he walked to the door. Zivon quickly turned to the door and flung it open, smiling at the brunette girl on the other side. "Hey Lori, how are you?" Zivon said as smoothly as he could, leaning up against the door jamb.

Lori looked at her boyfriend in confusion before saying, "Pourquoi voulez-vous parler en anglais?"

Zivon's eyes widened as he stared at his date, "What did you just say?!"

Lori crossed her arms, her look changing to annoyance as she said, "Bon, quel est votre problème?"

Zivon looked back at a stunned DAM before turning back to his girlfriend, holding up his index finger, "Can you give us one moment?" before he slammed the door.

"What the hell's going on?!" Zivon yelled.

"Hang on, I'll go grab the Tablet." DAM said before charging down to the basement.

DAM brought the Tablet up, entered the password, and opened up the Time You've Wasted app, which synced with all historical data ever and with the alternate histories DAM and Zivon had created. DAM stared at the data and said to Zivon, "Do you want the pros or cons first?"

"I can wait for bad news, start it off strong, always."

"Alright, well for the positives, when we helped Napoleon win Waterloo, he went on to gain uncontrolled power throughout Europe and, along the way, he discovered the key to immortality and used it all on himself. With this he was free to build armies and even more rapidly approach our modern world, which he achieved in 1844. After that, he went on to conquer the entire world, making them all up-to-date with French technology. So, with that, our world is now 200 years more advanced. Oh, and it also says there's a thing called cannonball guns, we have to get one!"

"It can wait, get back on subject."

"Fine. The cons...holy shit! Napoleon went even more insane with power with his immortality, making himself into a god. He made all the world worship him and now even using his name in anything but the utmost positive way will get you executed."

"So he's like Robespierre but he can't die of old age, great."

"I'm not done yet, as he travelled across the world, Napoleon was horrified to find he had the smallest penis of any living man. With his rise to ruling the world gave him the ability to put forth several ridiculous laws, including ones that lowered the average size of men across the world and anyone over that could be fined, jailed, tortured, or executed. Don't ask me how it knows, but the app says he has a 2 incher."

Both men looked down at their laps and gulped, Zivon saying, "Okay, we screwed up, how do we fix it?"

"Hold on, Zivon, let's just explore, see how bad it is?"

Zivon looked at his comrade with bewilderment as he said, "Are you insane, he'll chop our heads of just for what hangs between our legs, let's fix this now!"

DAM sighed and murmured, "I just want to get the cannonball gun."

_10 Minutes Later_

Zivon was in the basement of their home once more, waiting in the Time Machine as DAM came flying down the stairs, a blunderbuss-like gun in his arms and a white paper bag in one hand. Just then, another bang of a door flying open coming from above. "What did you do?!"

"I robbed the gun store again, duh?" DAM said, slamming the door of the Time Machine shut.

"Why is someone here?!"

"Well Joey was never born, never worked there, and a fit guy named Pierre works there. Oh look, there he is!" DAM said, pointing at the raging French man before them.

DAM turned to their replaced Tablet and quickly entered the date, 6/17/15, before being sucked through the time warp just as Pierre fired his cannonball gun, the ball soaring through the air and striking the wall opposite of him, sinking into the concrete.

* * *

"Alright, you've had a knack for coming up with batshit crazy plans that work, what's the one this time?" Zivon asked.

"Okay, my theory is that Napoleon will need to eat, right?" DAM replied.

Zivon's jaw dropped and his body went limp as he stared at DAM. "Are you literally that stupid? What are you going to do, starve him to death in 24 hours?!"

"Just listen! What is the most distracting thing in the world, so distracting you can't even focus?"

Zivon thought for a moment before answering, "Well, I'd say when your girlfriend is all over you, something you've never experienced."

DAM involuntarily tweaked his head to the side, saying, "We've been over this, I haven't met the right one yet..."

"Whatever, keep telling yourself that."

"Anyway, my thoughts are we swipe his meal out with this."

DAM reached into the bag and produced a taco. DAM marveled at it, Zivon's expression was far from amused. "That's your plan, we feed him a taco?"

"Not just any taco, this is that spicy taco from Taco Bell. I had one of these a couple months back, remember? I overflowed the toilet? Anyways, this thing gives you unbelievable diarrhea, you won't be going anywhere for hours. So, even if Napoleon gets over his diarrhea in time for the battle, he won't have time to sleep or get his thoughts straight."

"So, we're giving Napoleon diarrhea...That's so crazy it might just work, or get us killed horribly..."

"That's the spirit!" DAM yelled as the worm hole opened once more, placing them outside the tent of the emperor for life.

DAM and Zivon exited the phone booth and entered the tent, the man in blue and white military apparel looking at them with amazement. "Hola, me llamo DAM, la persona a la derecha es mi amigo Zivon. Quieres un taco?" DAM said.

Zivon grabbed DAM's shoulder and pulled him close, his ear to his mouth, harshly whispering, "What are you doing?!"

"I only know Spanish, maybe he understands..."

"I can hear you and I speak English you morons."

DAM and Zivon slowly turned their heads and faced a rather unsatisfied Napoleon. Before either of them could think to speak Napoleon asked. "What is this taco you speak of?"

DAM approached the emperor on wobbly knees and handed the taco to him with shakier hands. The general looked at the confection with disgust, sniffing it before taking a small bite. His expression turned to delight as he quickly gobbled down the taco, heartily slurping the remaining sauces on his fingers off. He leaned back in his chair and sighed with contentment. This calmness soon left as a low gurgle echoed from Napoleon's stomach, the emperor's hands seizing his stomach as he said, "What have you done to me?"

"That, my good man, is the miracle of Taco Bell." DAM answered.

Napoleon shot up to his feet and ran between the two, bursting through the tent flaps and to the nearest latrine.

_3 Hours, 2 Passages of Bloody Stool, and 1 Soiled Pair of Trousers Later_

Zivon and DAM watched from a nearby hillside as they watched the remnants of Napoleon's army go sprinting from the field, British forces right on their heels. Zivon looked at DAM, a satisfied smile on his face, and angrily said, "What's so funny?"

"No matter what I do, you'll go with me like a sheep. You said you never would do this again after we gave Benjamin Franklin syphilis, and here we are, giving Napoleon Bonaparte, the greatest general in history, explosive diarrhea."

Zivon continued to glare at DAM before uttering, "You fuck!"

**There we go, folks, the first installment of DAM and Zivon's Radical Historical Exploits. If you enjoyed, you know what to do. But I am really looking for any tips, pointers, or criticism, I want to make this as good as possible. Thanks guys, look out for a new story in the RE universe soon!**


	2. JFK: Reloaded

Zivon sat at the town's newest Olive Garden, his finest suit and fedora being among the things of the night to impress his girlfriend. She had just excused herself from the table and gave him just enough time to check his phone. His eyes widened as he mumbled to himself, "Forty-three missed messages!"

He quickly scrolled through the series of broken English texts, all from DAM, ranging from, "Dude!" to "Go back, kill LHO, ?, PROFIT!". Zivon threw his head back in his chair and groaned, getting the attention of some of his table neighbors. He gave them a nervous smile and they went back to their meals, then ducked his phone under the table and quickly typed back to DAM, "What the hell, did you go back and steal Escobar's coke again!?"

He put his phone back in his pocket and found Lori making her way back to the table, a short-cut black dress immediately taking Zivon's mind off of his affairs with his moron of a roommate. Zivon shot up from his chair and pulled Lori's out for her, "What a gentleman, what'd you do wrong?" she replied.

Zivon laughed and said, "Oh, by the end, my wallet will let me know that."

Lori's smile instantly left her face and she said, defensively, "Are you saying I eat too much? Are you calling me fat?!"

"What, no, Lori you're the least fat girl I know!"

"Oh, but I'm on the list, aren't I?!"

"Wait...what...but...you're..."

"Thanks a lot for nothing Zivon, call me when you grow up!" she yelled, flinging a glass of water in his face.

Lori stormed out of the restaurant, everyone watching the uncomfortable situation, as Zivon clicked a button on his watch, saying, "Wow, this date last 10 minutes longer than the last one, keep this up and we may actually get our dinner."

* * *

Zivon walked into the house, his soaked suit coat slung over his shoulder, and put his fedora on the coat hanger, the room completely dark except for a flickering light in the next room. He entered their living room and found DAM passed out on the couch, empty bags of snacks and pizza crust scattered over himself, the couch, and the floor. The TV was the only thing on in the house, another history marathon DAM had gotten caught up in, this time it was on the presidency of John F. Kennedy. Zivon shrugged it off and moved in to pick up DAM's mess. Upon picking up the last bag of chips, he brushed his shoulder against DAM's knee, making the historian shoot bolt upright. "ZIVON!"

His comrade nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden outburst. "Stop doing this, clean up your own damn mess!"

DAM chuckled, "I see what you did there!"

"Shut up, why were you texting me?"

"Okay, you see what's on TV, right?"

"No, my last name's bin Laden and both my eyes got shot out...and NO, we're not going back to save him!"

DAM sighed and took out a notebook, crossing of something he had scribbled onto the page, before saying, "Well, here's what I was thinking, and you can get behind this. JFK was one of our greatest presidents, right?"

"Well, I'm Canadian and American politics are about as clean as a casting couch in a porno, but yes he was great from what I've read."

"Well, what would have happened if he never was assassinated? America probably wouldn't be anything like it is now!"

Zivon opened his mouth to protest, but no words could come out, he pondered for several minutes before saying, "That's actually a good idea, nothing could go wrong from this!"

With that, the duo went to the basement and entered the time machine, entering the date, 11/22/1963.

* * *

John and Jackie's fateful ride through Dallas began, the crowd roaring in approval at the USA's youngest president. Not far away, a lone man took aim with his sniper rifle, waiting for the President to come into just the right line of fire. Suddenly, he heard a loud object smash to the ground behind him, the a door fly open and someone shout, "GET HIM!"

He could barely turn around as DAM tackled him to the ground, Zivon right behind him with a crowbar in hand.

_Four Score and Seven Blows to the Head Later_

Zivon and DAM exitted the phone booth back in their own time, covered in Oswald's blood and brain matter. The two slowly moved up the stairs, more than once they had never been born and did not own the home and had to deal with everything from dinosaurs to drunken Russians. DAM slowly pushed the door open, their home looked the same as they had left it, nothing had changed. DAM sighed with relief and Zivon immediately went to the door, opening it as DAM said, "Where are you going?"

"I have a girlfriend, remember?"

"Go blow it out your..." was all Zivon heard before he slammed the door, silencing DAM.

Zivon cautiously walked down the streets, making sure that everything he saw was in check with what had been before he and Zivon saved JFK. Nothing was amiss, except for a poster that caught his eye, one of an ancient-looking John Fitzgerald Kennedy, assuring the people he had no plans of dying yet as the longest serving president. Zivon immediately called DAM, who answered with, "Let me guess, JFK's still alive?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"I pulled out the Tablet right after you left, and things are looking up for America."

"Well, let me have it."

DAM chuckled, "You're gonna regret that statement when I get to the negatives. Well, since Kennedy never died, he was able to have more control over events like the Cuban Missile Crisis and won the Vietnam War much quicker, so peace was assured throughout the world with the collapse of several decisive Communist maneuvers. JFK also found several loopholes, thanks to Harvard, to make himself president for life, but no one had a problem or even ran against him, the US prospered so much that, not only do we have no debt, every country in the world owes us money!"

"HOW?!"

"I don't know, this piece of shit is too generic on details, go read Wikipedia. But here's the bad, and it's what's keeping him alive..."

"What, is it drugs? Money? Some weird fetish?"

"He has an insatiable sexual appetite, even for a man who's nearly 100. Since Jackie and all of his other lovers, including Marilyn, died right on their appropriate times, he was forced to go hunting for more strange. His constant will to bone is what keeps him alive, the thrill of the hunt and payoff is what keeps his heart pumping, he needs to have sex at least 8 times a day in order to live."

"Son of a bitch!"

"But, is that honestly so bad, he just does what everyman wishes he could do, I'll mark this as a win."

Before Zivon could answer, DAM ended the call and Zivon cursed him for it as he headed for Lori's house, hoping to make up the same way they always did, over a Batman movie, though they'd often be too wrapped up in each other to notice most of it. Zivon jogged his way up her stairs and knocked on the door, the door slowly creaking open to the darkness of the house. He slowly moved in, hearing a moan deeper inside. "Lori?"

He slowly made his way to her bedroom, the moans growing more intense and her bed creaking rapidly. He flung the door open and found an elephant rug draped over his girlfriend. Lori gasped in shock and the rug moved, revealing it not only had a face, but it was John F. Kennedy himself. Zivon slowly backed up and into the wall in front of Lori's room, sliding down and staring at the sight in horror. "Hey, kid, would you be a sport and either leave or join in, I'm getting kinda tired."

Zivon crawled as fast he could to the front door, tumbling down the stairs before rebounding to his feet and charging home full blast. He burst through the front door and charged for the phone booth in the basement, DAM tackling him halfway down the stairs, sending both men crashing down the remaining stairs and onto the cement. Both men groaned in pain, DAM saying, "In hindsight, a simple, 'What are you doing?' would have sufficed."

"Shut up, Kennedy's out of control, we have to go back..."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, are you saying we go back and kill the greatest thing that ever happened to America since the Drive-Thru?!"

Instantly, an idea went off in Zivon's head, one he knew would get DAM on board with his assassination attempt. "Listen, just get in the Time Machine and I'll explain on when we get there."

"No way, this is the greatest period in American history, I'm not going to ruin it for my country because you have some problem with him getting laid more often than you."

"He gets laid more than you too, retard." Zivon rebutted.

DAM thought for a moment and replied, "Alright, I'll entertain the idea, let's go."

DAM and Zivon moved sluggishly to the Time Machine and reentered the date.

Oswald stood ready, waiting for Kennedy's car to come cruising by, to assassinate the traitor of the American people. But, a red phone booth appeared above him and plummeted down on him, crushing him into a bloody mess. Zivon jumped out of the phone booth, nearly tearing his hair out as he shouted, "Shit, shit, shit, now what do we do!?"

DAM was less than alarmed by what had happened. "I don't see why you're so freaked, what did he do, bang your mom?"

Zivon looked right in DAM's eyes with hatred and let the words fly, "You know why we have to kill him, he was sleeping with Lori!"

DAM looked at the ground in shame and said, "Sorry, I had no idea."

"You're damn right you didn't! I swear to God, make a pun about your name and I'll throw you out the window!"

Zivon looked out the window and JFK was en route to where he was originally shot. DAM looked at the gun in the window and said, "Are you going to do it?"

The idea Zivon had before came back to mind and he said, "No, I'm Canadian, killing isn't in our blood. But you should be just as angry, DAM."

DAM cocked his head at this and Zivon continued, "I stumbled on a threesome, it was JFK, Lori, and Lexi."

Zivon looked away from DAM to hide his giant smirk as DAM began to shout and cuss and throw a grand mal hissy fit. "Give me the fucking gun!"

DAM took aim from the window and fired his first shot, sending the round through JFK's back, the president clutching his throat. "Good shot, that should get him in a bit." Zivon complimented.

"Oh, no, I'm dismembering that motherfucker!" DAM shouted as he pulled out his cannonball gun.

"You still have that thing!?"

DAM pulled the trigger and the three-pound ball went soaring through the air and into the back of JFK's head, obliterating his skull. "Ah...goddammit...was that necessary!?" Zivon gagged.

DAM remained silent as he moved back into the Time Machine, arms crossed in anger as he waited for Zivon to enter. Zivon's conscious got the better of him and he said, "Look, he really didn't bang your crush, I just needed you to shoot him because I couldn't..."

DAM's eyes shot wide open once more and he stared daggers at Zivon, finally breaking the silence with, "You made me kill the greatest thing to happen to this country, on a lie..."

Before Zivon could reply, DAM cut him off, "Help me move this, I know where to dump the body so they still blame Oswald for this."

_One Batch of Elbow Grease, A Large Blood Smear, & A Carefully Placed Corpse Later_

DAM and Zivon reentered their time once more, things seeming to be back to normal, if Jack Ruby came up on his end of the deal. "Well, we did it, another reason your ideas are terrible and you had to fix it." Zivon said.

DAM only continued his angry stare at Zivon. "Okay, what do you want? I'm sorry I made you kill the greatest president in US history, I shouldn't have lied to you, I should have pulled the trigger myself. What?!"

A smirk broke across DAM's face as he whispered to Zivon. "What if Rome never fell?"

Zivon looked down with shock at the miniscule historian as he forced Zivon and the AR-15's back into the Time Machine and entered 8/9/378 as the date. "You fuck!" Zivon shouted as they were sucked through the wormhole once more.


	3. Great Caligula's Erection!

The familiar red booth dropped down in a field in the sweltering Italian heat, both of the familiar faces exiting and immediately complaining of the heat. Up a small hill they saw a bunch of wagons stacked around a camp, hundreds of men hiding behind them. "Let me guess, we just go up and shoot them, hopefully the technological advantage is enough to break lines and make them flee?" Zivon asked.

"Yeah, basically."

"Well, Cortes thought that too, but..."

DAM went charging up the hill before Zivon could finish his thought. The tall man puffed his way up the hill as DAM fired off a few rounds, the men inside recoiling in horror and yelling.

12 Rounds and A Gothic Stampede Later

The Roman army slowly moved in on the two gun men and Valens himself walked up to the men, extending his hand to Zivon, who returned it heartily. He turned to DAM and was met with a blank gaze as he extended his hand, the emperor's smile not wavering. DAM gave an awkward smile before aiming at Valens and firing a single round, killing the emperor. The entire army gasped in shock, Zivon clasping his hands to the sides of his head and screamed, "What the hell did you just do?!"

"You didn't honestly think just scaring the Goths away was going to do any good, did you? Valens' successor after this battle was Theodosius..."

"One of the last great Roman emperors." Zivon added.

"Exactly! Now, he will take over have a more stable empire to take hold of." DAM said.

"That's a great idea, but one thing, Rome is hemorrhaging money, how do you fix that?"

DAM's face showed the sudden shock he felt, he clearly didn't think this far ahead. "Give me one minute." DAM said, charging to the Time Machine and leaving Zivon in a very awkward situation with the Roman army. "So...anyone see any good coliseum fights?"

The Romans continued to stair at the strange man who spoke a yet to be invented language. He sighed and looked down the hill, waiting for DAM to come back. Suddenly, a black hole opened behind him and the phone booth landed gently in the grass. DAM opened the door and revealed a large blue diamond in one hand and a large, gray tote he was standing on. "What did you do, now?"

"I went to the Smithsonian and stole the Hope Diamond and then I robbed a cash for gold!" he said, jumping down and flipping the lid open to reveal it was packed with gold bars.

"What, that thing's cursed, get rid of it!"

"Oh, come on, the things been in the Smithsonian and it hasn't burnt down yet, how can it be cursed?"

DAM threw the diamond to a soldier, who fumbled it at first then marveled at it. DAM pulled out a megaphone and Latin translation book and ordered the men to all take one gold bar back to Rome and make it wealthy after establishing Theodosius, as well as sell the diamond for more money. With that, the legions turned and made their slow return to Rome, DAM looking at an impressed Zivon, who finally said, "I can't believe it, you orchestrated one of the greatest events in history that will change everything, what could be bad about Rome never falling?"

"Great, now you jinxed it, let's head home." DAM said as he and Zivon packed back into the Time Machine.

The Time Machine appeared in the present, a crop field left barren until it needed planting once more. Zivon stepped out into the field with pure astonishment and hung jaws. "What the hell happened?!"

"I'm on it." DAM replied, retrieving the Tablet.

He opened the app and his eyes shot open wide. "Oh, we fucked up! The only positive is that Rome never fell until after 1014."

"Okay, so we saved an empire that clearly should have fallen, how bad are the cons?"

"Very. For starters, us bringing gold and establishing Theodosius did jack shit to save the empire's fragile state. After his death, successive amounts of terrible leaders expanded the borders through horrific means. I'm guessing butt-play wasn't out of the question."

"Be serious!"

"Jesus, oh sorry, Jew. But because Rome kept teetering it should have fallen at any moment. But no one was brave enough after it was believed the gods sent men with thunder to protect them. So, we're gods, awesome. But Rome's leaders from 500 to its fall suppressed culture, nothing could change and no innovations were made. So, for 500 years, many of the great things never came. Then, Rome finally fell after the lack of proper medicine brought out an earlier outbreak of the Bubonic Plague. Nearly 60% of the world died because of it. So, with Rome fallen, things should have gotten better, right? Well, since Charlemagne was long-since dead, no one was there to pick up the pieces, so the Dark Ages never ended. Society as we know it never came to fruition, and the world is 1,000 years less advanced."

Zivon's mouth dangled open as he uttered, "Son of a bitch!"

"We're very screwed, now how do we fix it?" DAM said, looking to Zivon for answers.

"Don't look at me, you fucked up! Plus, you have a knack for always fixing what you messed up, think!"

DAM placed his chin in his hand and began to stew over ideas, his facial expression changing and eyes wandering as he considered every option. "Alright, here's what we do. At Adrianople, the Gothic cavalry was away, we need to get them to the battlefield. The question is how? Wait, do you have your backpack?"

Zivon freed the straps from his shoulders and replied, "Duh, it's been on me the whole time, it needs no deliberation."

"Alright good," DAM said, plunging in and grabbing out a poster, unrolling it and looking over it with a smile.

"What is it?"

DAM turned the poster to Zivon, the layout completely black except for words written in jagged font, blood red, "Hot Topic". Zivon's jaw fell to the ground as he read it. "Are you fucking kidding me?!"

"Nope." DAM said before rolling the poster back up and hopping into the Time Machine.

The historian cussed out loud as he placed the Tablet back. "What, what's wrong?" Zivon asked.

"The battery on the Time Machine's dead, did you forget to charge it?"

"No!"

"Oh...must have been my fault."

"You fucking idiot, now what?! Do we have to get a lightning rod built to get a bolt to strike it and refill the battery?" Zivon demanded.

"Don't be retarded, the lightning will just electrify the metal and break the electrical parts, the thing'll be fried. We can filter the Tablet's battery power into its to go through time, but we go through the really crappy way."

"Wait, you don't mean..."

"Yep, get in Zivon, we're going through The Matrix." DAM said.

Zivon hopped in and DAM reentered the date, a black hole sucking them into an infinite background of green zeros and ones, the ringing of a dial-up looped throughout the empty space. "I hate that noise, I'd never thought I'd hear it again!" DAM yelled, clasping his hands to his ears.

"Wait, I just had a revelation. What's stopping our other versions of ourselves from shooting up the Goths?" Zivon asked.

"Well, it's complicated. When we go back to fix things, I always set it 30 minutes earlier unless we need to fix it sooner, like with Napoleon or when we infected Ted Bundy with rabies. If we change things quickly enough, the alternate versions of ourselves never have to go back and cease to exist. But, should we wait too long and change nothing, our other selves show up, the four of us being in the same time will cause a rift in the space-time continuum and end existence, everything that ever was becomes a white void of nothingness."

Zivon's jaw nearly fell off it's hinges. "Why'd you never tell me this, that's pretty extreme if we dilly-dally!?"

Soon, they were spat out in a field miles from the camp of Goths, a group of horsemen ahead of them. "One more thing, how does this thing know where to go?"

"Look, we don't have time, let's take care of this." DAM said, stepping out and unrolling the poster.

"This is so stupid." Zivon said, sticking his fingers in his mouth and whistling loudly at the Gothic cavalry.

The men looked at the poster and their eyes opened wide. "Get those preps, they don't deserve quality merch!" one shouted, his horse rearing up as the rest charged the two.

"You idiot, now what?" Zivon yelled.

"RUN!" DAM shouted, turning the poster around and holding it facing towards the advancing Goths.

Zivon muttered under his breath and charged with DAM to the Gothic camp, several masses of men dressed in red advancing on the Goths.

One Blood Bath and A Decisive Battle Later

DAM and Zivon watched over the field as a few lucky Roman columns ran for their lives. "Well, once again, I don't know how you did it, but you changed history again by pulling this out of your ass." Zivon finally said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah, I know."

"Rome was always meant to fall, we need to learn from these things and appreciate what they've taught us."

"Nah, but that does give me an idea, let's charge this thing up and go see Ivan the Terrible and Anastasia for dinner tonight." DAM replied, getting back in the Time Machine and waiting for Zivon.

Zivon turned to his ignorant ally and stared him down, DAM throwing up his hands in confusion. Finally, Zivon propped an elbow in the opposite hand and slapped his forehead, mumbling, "You fuck." before entering the Time Machine.


End file.
